Fan Fic

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I suppose that I could have posted this under another thread. Like "Funny Theories", or "Direction for future Episodes", or "Parody". But I thought maybe other people would want to write something too. I suppose if I wasn't a newber about wiki I'd write it in the pedia. Anyone who thinks it's worth being in the lostpedia is welcome to put it there.

Anyhow I am going to post this humorous, fictitious screenplay of a parody episode scene by scene here.

After it finishes I'd like to try a collaborative episode to immediately precede this one.

Comments welcome of course.

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Context/Prologue

This began as a tongue in cheek idea to create the stupidest possible theory, and I think it is just awful. (Actually this might be in the running for the stupidest theory of LOST ever.)

So here is the theory: In "St. Elsewhere" and "who shot JR" fashion, this is all a dream, in this case it is Greg's. (As in Dharma and Greg)

But to me, sick as the idea was, the fun part would be imagining how the creative team would do the “reveal” at the end...

So, Season 15, episode 23, a two hour series finale special titled “Revelation”

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Scene 1. The Lost theme music plays as the black smoke moves across the island, down the empty beach, up over the trees, to the caves, across to the swan station, then up to the 4 toed statue holding and the screen slowly fades to black, and the eerie theme music continues a little too long in the dark. A moment of silence. Then the fade in. The screen is white. Annoying beep-beeping sound. Shot coalesces to a brightly lit room. Greg, wearing shark print pajamas, comes suddenly awake and sits up in bed, rubbing at his bleary eyed face, camera pans to the bedside alarm clock it's after noon. He clearly has a headache and for a moment he says “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” as he clearly and comically wonders if he is very, very late for work. Then he remembers, “No it's Saturday” he mumbles looking a little better, and turns to face Dharma next to him saying "I had the craziest dream", only to see it's not Dharma next to him, it's Larry Finklestein. His bald hippy father in law. Greg’s face is awash in horror, think Munch’s “scream” as we fade out to an overlay of a clock face spinning backwards to the night before.

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Scene 2. Fade in, Greg is sitting at his parents'-in-law's kitchen table and looking like he is in a black mood. He is fuming and whining about how godawful a day he has had, and how since Dharma's been pregnant she has daily burnt every meal until now there is just a resident black cloud of smoke where their own kitchen had been. Abby sets three mugs of tea down in the center of the table, saying, “Greg, I’ve made us some tea, it’ll help”. Larry says “Ohhhh yeahhhh tea” nodding agreement that tea will fix all ails. Then raises an eyebrow. Abby shakes her head “Sweety” looking at Greg, “It’s herbal chamomile with …” But Greg just continues complaining. Larry and Abby are sitting at the table and being consoling, but exchanging “oh brother” looks behind his back. Then their eyes lock and it’s pretty obvious that they are bored and are gonna maybe get busy knockin’ hippy sandals, and they both beat a quick and quiet retreat out the back door behind Greg. Camera follows them as they walk out into the small yard where the vw van is parked. Soon it is rockin. The camera pivot pans back to the kitchen. Greg keeps going with how awful the day was, clearly oblivious that he has lost his onscreen audience. You can hear the old van’s shocks squeak-squeaking as Greg, still unaware, morosely picks up the wrong cup of tea by mistake, downs it in one swig, and sets the cup back to the table. The mug is big and very earthy, it looks homemade, and it is clearly labeled from our point of view "Big Lar’s Special Mushroom Tea". He stands, turns, and semi-staggers into the living room, where he turns on the tv then plops onto the couch and watches a few minutes of television. Halfway through a commercial for Rocky VII, Battle Royale, Rocky is stranded on a strange island, he must battle in a free for all Freddy, Jason, The Rock, the Governor of Minnesota, and the Governor of California to survive. Commercial ends with Stallone reading the tagline “Freedom? In my world it’s only freedom for all when it’s a fight to the death Battle Royale. And I personally guarantee you there’s more blood lost in this film than in a sixteen stuck pigs. This film is not yet rated. Only in theaters. Opening near you this Friday!” Next a 15 second commercial for an online dating service, quick sound bite testimonials from Bernard –n- Rose, and then Boone –n- Shannon. Commercial finishes with a call to action “don’t let this chance to find love pass you by, call now 1, 516, 484, 2342, or, visit us on the world wide web”. The news teaser music rolls and the lottery winner is announced (Hurley) during a quick five second teaser for the channel 4 nightly news, up next. Comically (it’s only been maybe one minute and 20 seconds of constant tracking shots since we saw the hippy van first go into rocking motion, talk about a quickie) Larry walks into the room holding the emptied mug in one hand and the remote control in the other. He looks confused/puzzled, as he flips channels quickly through 8, 15, 16, 23, 42, stopping there. "Uhhhhh Greg you uhhhhhh didn't drink this tea did you?" asks Larry as the Gilligan’s Island theme song starts and he settles into the couch next to Greg. Zoom to tight close-up on Greg's stupidly grinning beatific face. Fade to clock spinning backwards overlaying Greg's face.

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Scene 3. Fade in to earlier that day when Greg first arrived at Larry and Abby’s place. Greg knocks on the front door, but no one answers so he walks around to the side yard where the VW is parked right outside the garage, jacked up on cinder blocks under the back axel. Inside the garage, are Larry and Abby and they have company. Actually it’s Larry’s garage band, well really it’s not a band, so much, just two others. Pregnant Claire on the tambourine, very pregnant, and dressed very hippy-chick in a flowery muumuu. Greg says “Oh Hi you all, er, everybody”. Charlie turns around and has an acoustic guitar slung over his shoulder balladeer style. He’s wearing platform shoes that are furry, tight pink polyester plaid pants, and his shirt is unbuttoned down to like a ‘three’s company’ two buttons too far. He smiles, very Austin Powers, at Greg. He looks about an inch or two shorter than Claire, not at all a tall woman, despite the furry footware’s help. Larry says “OK guys that was great! I mean WOW! Huh? Anyone else got the munchies?” as he gets up from behind the bongo set, steps across what looks like the VW van’s driveshaft, and reaches into a box of frosted flakes cereal. Abby walks back in, “I made brownies!” Charlie grabs the lot and says, “OK we’ll be going then”. Chuckles all around. “Seriously” Charlie says baring his teeth in mock ferocity. Laugh track rolls. Some have noted that throughout this whole “band” sequence we don’t actually hear any music. Greg smiles a fake “oh ha ha, geez you’re clever, so you’re leaving right?” smile. Fade to the backward spinning clock.

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Scene 4. Fade in to earlier that day when he and his crack team arrested Sawyer for a pyramid scheme mail fraud ring, and Sayid as a suspected terrorist. High fives all around. Cut to a scene of interrogation as one of the agents (Rousseau) heavy-handedly questions the suspects. Cut to three lawyers and as many aides sitting together going over a long list of mis-handling of these cases by the FBI, from obvious warrant-less illegal wiretapping, various other minor and major infractions, botched technicalities, abuses of power, disregard for constitutionally protected rights, mismanagement, and mistakes, that culminates in a video showing for all present. The camera angle pans to the arrest which clearly shows a member of the team (Ana Lucia) who had not even managed to read the Miranda act. Cut to a close-up of the federal attorney assigned to these cases (Friendly) as he agrees with the lawyers for the defendants (Klugh and Gale) that the entire thing had been very, very badly handled. Friendly promises the others at the table that all involved had been documented, and the whole fiasco would be discussed at the FBI internally for corrective action.

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Scene 5. Cut to Greg and the high fivers, who are now all frowns as Sayid and Sawyer arm in arm and all smiles as they are both set free in the Lobby area. Pan to include a few seconds of the outside world briefly as the two and their lawyers exit through great big glass revolving doors, as David Duchovney walks into fill up the shot in a hilarious cameo wearing a mousy gray london fog style trenchcoat. He pretends to be "lost" in FBI headquarters, and asks for directions from either the audience or the camera guy, staring into the screen the whole time, mannerisms and pocket searching very deadpan and dead on for Falk's portrayal of "Columbo". Tea Leoni is one of the junior officers in the group who just released Sayid and Sawyer. Still holding the open handcuffs in one hand she grabs him roughly by the arm and escorts him offscreen presumably to the information desk. She's wearing one white ked tennis shoe and the other foot is in a blue cast. Pan to the other side of the lobby. Greg is staring out the door still, angrily.

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Scene 6. Cut to Greg in a big, really big office, and it is immediately obvious he has been called on the carpet by a top ranking official in the FBI, (his boss's boss's boss) who has his back turned as he says "waaaa waa waaa wa waaawaa" in perfect Peanuts Teacher lecture "waa waaa's". “Waaa Waa” executive is holding the santa claus like list of all the screwups his team had made. Slapping the stack of “you suck” documents against the arm of the chair in time to his “waa waaa’s”. Sound fades in to "my son Walt could have handled this better" (Small pan right exposes a picture of Walt on the exec's desk, and another small upwards pan shows that a huge picture on the back wall that had been previously only partly in shot is actually a blow up of a wallet type portrait photo of Walt’s face, the photo is matte type and in very unimpressive flat framing). The way the guy says Waaaaalt is infuriating. Cut to Greg's face, he's steaming. The exec starts to stand, and gesturing to the huge photo on the wall, he starts to turn to fix Greg with a stern look, and he says "Have you seen my boy Waaalt" in such an annoying way, just damned stupid, that as he stands and turns to finally face Greg with a stern look, Greg loses all control and shoots forward with a head butt to the exec. Shot zooms in to the point of contact, and shot freezes. Sound: "....aaaalt" dies out, a moment later a loud crack like thunder, after about a second and a half delay, which then resolves down to just a static background white noise (debatable whether the sound is actually waves against a pacific island shore, or hot blood rushing in the ears). This white noise hum continues throughout this sequence. On screen, the exec does a crazy arc into the air moving slowly like a slomo matrix wireshot as the camera moves from a tight ultra close-up of the headbutting to a downward pan as the body flies up to then an awesome undershot that tracks with the motion to show the exec from below, flying slowly backward right into the wall sized huge blow up of a wallet shot of "Walt", then shot pivots and holding point of view as the body drops past the camera to the floor in suddenly real time. Camera pivots, to a framed shot of Michael's face as he is blinking rapidly (possibly holding back tears?) his mouth is already moving. And sound comes back in with "....n You're fired!" (Some careful observers will say that from lipreading Michael had actually said "son" or possibly "Jetson" others will say it was "Zidane", but the smart editing team definitely made the right move and had kept it off the sound deliberately) The tacky portrait falls from the wall and covers dear ol dad, exposing the bright red backing. Camera pivots back to Greg, zooms in to his close-up, he seems to be in shock. Fade in the overlay of the backwards spinning clock.

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Scene 7. Fade in. Establishing shot Greg asleep in bed. Dharma walks in looking chipper in her Happy Days print big baggy Pajamas. But they are straining at the buttons like a lou ferigno scene around her middle. She is definitely with child, like scary to look at her, huge, huge, set to burst. She’s followed by a smoke cloud, mostly hovering over the plate of clearly burnt food in her hands. “Greggy pooo!” she says, “I’ve made breakfast just for you, you, you.” Greg puts the pillow up over his head. She is relentless with manic morning cheerfulness, way too early for any sane person. Finally he succumbs. He sits up in bed frowning, the pillow seems to have really messed up his hair, its standing up crazy like eraserhead. She offers him the plate, then spins off joyfully into the other room. He coughs from the smoke.*

FOOTNOTE: (*Clearly the smoke is foiling his chance to retreat back into sleep, and also warning him not to eat this breakfast. Others may and do observe that this smoky little black cloud seems to strongly resemble Charlton Heston’s disembodied head, while others still more strongly related it to the nuage fumee in “La Cite des Infants Perdus”, but that was the same bunch who thought it surprising when France lost the world cup, you know back in ‘06. The Charlton Heston set say to that “Are you kidding me, what haven’t the French lost?”)*

FOOTNOTE to the FOOTNOTE: (*Sorry, that’s not part of the episode. Well not exactly anyway. It’s actually a summarization of an excerpt from the funnier stuff in the special features. This bit is from what the critics contributed.The two who debate the black cloud for the audio extra feature I am referencing have a strong resemblance to the famous Waldorf & Statler. I’m sure you will recognize them when you hear them start into it. But this feature only comes up on the Easter Egg for the Box Set’s 8th Anniversary Collector’s Ed of the series. Here’s how to get this one, navigate to the ‘scene select’ and choose scene 42, this will appear to malfunction because it will start playing the opening credits, but with an alternate intro theme, which is actually the closing credits theme at half speed, ignore this, when the opening sequence is playing, press and hold the 4 and 8 on the remote keypad, while the big foot with 4 toes is on screen, release the 8, still holding the 4 down, then press these in order up 1 time, down 5 times, A twice, B three times, let go of the 4 and press the 2. Enjoy!)

BACK TO THE SCENE: “Hurry up slow poke” Dharma calls from off-screen, “Show some initiative!” Then “Remember we have our last appointment with the obgyn this morning.” Gregy poo groans as he gets outta bed and stumbles sleepily into the smoky kitchen. Sits and takes a bite of the only thing on the plate unburnt, a piece of apple. Apple a day but whatever right cause he is about to go to the Dr anyway. Fade out on Greg crunching apple and frowning.

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Intermission.... I have the idea sketched out and built around 3 more scenes.

But I am irritated that 10 scenes isn't 4 8 15 16 23 42 compliant.

So I am rethinking and rewriting the next scenes which are the fat middle.

In case this helps, the story isn't being told chronologically.

The story is going for an outside in story telling style. Similar to the way the series has worked to date. But opposite. The series begins with the arrival on the island and then tells from that middle point out to both how they got to the island, and also what happened after.

This story is told from the ends, begun at scene 1 with the end and moved back to scene 2, then scene 3, and then reversed to tell the afternoon in chronological order with senes 4, 5, and 6. Then jumps to the morning, the earliest point in the story's chronology with scene 7. The next scenes will be the OBGYN office, then finishing with juicy middle, the morning and mid-day.

..... I'll post the next scene soon